Melancholy kinda day!!!

So as most of you know me and the family have left our comfort zone and are embarking on a new journey full of strange yet exciting territory. I haven't really struggled with leaving friends behind and have been enjoying going to new churches. But today as I got on Facebook as usual something felt different. I had this sudden rush of sadness and felt the need to cry. And i don't think it had anything to do with postpartum depression(which i do still struggle with). It was the fact that I see these people I call my best friends yet I don't feel as though we are anymore. This is when i realized that our paths in life are finally going in different directions. But i don't understand how you move on. How can you let go of friendships that were so strong but have some what diminished into acquaintances? If we were honest with each other we would know that no matter what we love each other and if needed would be there for each other, but reality is we're not close. We haven't been for some time now. For me it started about two years ago which is probably why I've gone through so much. I was trying to find friendships and love and acceptance from people who weren't right for me. But at the time i would have settled for it because they made it seem real. It didn't feel fake until it was time to move on. Does that mean i'm saying my real friends were bad pretenders? NO, not at all. I believe they saw and knew what was happening. They could look into my eyes and tell I was going through a very dark time. But no one would say it to my face. I knew they knew but they just would say anything. Kinda makes you mad doesn't because it sounds like I'm upset up about it or something. But really at the time i would have lied to you and said everything was fine. Shoot I'll tell you that today! So bring all this up? Why talk about something that really has no worth, no point? It's just because i feel more alone now then ever. So I'm writing this to remind myself I'm not alone. Because i know those of you who read this will probably write me and tell me you love me. Or tell me how you feel the same way. This is just my way of removing the numbness! To remind myself I'm alive! Just giving myself a hug i guess...LOL!!! So thank to whoever reads this and if you think I'm stupid o well! Live my life then come talk to me! Until then peace, love and all that good stuff!

When Love...

When love is lost it really isn't that hard to find it again. What's hard to find is the right kind of love. The kind of love that says I'll never leave you. This kind of love will do its best not to hurt you. You come first in its eyes. When love is broken its a bit more difficult to mend. You begin to wonder what you did wrong and how to get it back. You push other loves away because you want to fix the one you broke. Or at least the one that broke you. Or you tend to get mad and promise to never love again just so you don't feel that hurt again. Then when you realize someone loves you you ruin it. You think if they really love me they stay anyways and that's how I'll know it's real. And then there's the love that is taken. I know best of all what this is like. When you're minding your own business and all of the sudden someone comes along and says what you've never heard before. You start to think it's real only because you don't know any better. Then they use you and hurt you and leave you to wonder what its was that you did wrong. You feel sick, hurt, lost, and begin to think love is evil! That everyone who comes into your life from that moment on and say they love you only want to hurt you. They only want to hear you say it to make them feel good. Then they'll leave you feeling all alone! The worst part is that now you find yourself trying to make it right. Trying to find that one love that will make you whole again. To find someone not in it for one thing only. At the end of the day you're still left wanting something. You don't know what it is but you know something is missing!! Someone took a piece you and you're trying to find someone who can give it back. Only the piece they have is better. It comes with a promise of forever! Only then is how you know when love is truly, without doubt real!

What Happened?

I think i deserve some congratulations on this. I have yet again driven another guy away. Just when i thought things couldn't get any better. Haha!!

Now you think I'm really happy about this you are freakin insane!!! I'm quite the opposite really. I wish I had time to sit around and cry about but i can't. Instead i have to take care of my almost 2 month old who i wish i could blame it all on. But i can't do that either.

See when i found out i was pregnant i decided to have and keep the baby. His father is out of the picture and i just figured I'd be that single mom forever. Then God brings this amazing guy into my life. Who loved me for everything i was. He didn't look at my past and was willing to be a father to my son. He doesn't have to but he wanted to. And what do I do? I drive him away. I let my emotions get the better of me and i drive him away. And at this point I'm not sure he'll come back. I mean should he? No! I wish he would but i don't know. I don't know what will happen. All i know is that he's gone! And the only way i can cry about it is through this blog. So here you go. This is me crying over a guy who i love more then anything and want to marry. But he's gone now. IT'S THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD!!!

12 days of Miles :-)

Ok yeah not really but i do have only 12 days until Miles due date!!! I'm super excited!!! I wish he'd hurry up and get here!! I'm tired of waiting!!! :-)

It's Real!

For the first time I know its love! But it also scares me. I never really thought about losing him until we talked about hypothetical scenarios. And one just messed me up. What if another girl came along and was better for him? Someone who wants what he wants? What if Perfect Patty is real and he's passing her up for messed up me?? Could i really live with that? Knowing there's someone out there better for him. Who's waited and kept herself pure for him. Her first child will be his and not someone Else's. Why do i feel like I'm holding him back? Why can't i get over my own past and see my blessing? Maybe i love him too much. Maybe this all happening too fast. What if I'm not what he thought?

It's always been about sex. Every guy I've been with there's been this sexual attraction. And after we'd do it there would be nothing. I'd watch them get dressed and walk away. And it was always the same thing. They'd leave and never come back or they would come back just to hit it again. I had convinced myself that's what love was though. If they really loved me they'd come back. But for the most part they never did. So I've been trying to find that. I've been trying to find that one guy who will stay. That's stupid. You can base your relationship on the fact that a guy decides to stay for the sex. That's where I'm realizing he's different. Its not because we're christian and its what the Bible says. Its a choice we're making together. He wants to prove himself and earn the right to have sex with me. But even if i decide he has, we won't until we're married. No one has made me feel so loved, beautiful, treasured, adored, etc. He's put me on a pedestal. He looks past everything I've done and everything that i have and loves me for me. Nothing more, nothing less. Its who i am that he loves. I'll admit i am sexually attracted to him but not to the point of basing our relationship on it. I could and would wait for as long as it takes to marry him to do all that. Its about him and how he makes me feel. All that he's willing to sacrifice for me and my son. His intelligence, his passion, his strength, his morals, his patience, and even his glasses :-) I love it all. He's everything i want and more. I love him now and forever!!! For the first time I can honestly say it's real. I'm really in love!! I don't have to look anymore I'm done!! I've found my Prince, my Knight!! And I'm the happiest I've ever been!! I love Darnell Edward Clayton, Jr. now and forever and a day!!!!

I almost missed it!!

Could he be the one? Could it be that i almost missed out on getting to know him just because i was scared of what people would say? Yes he's different. There's too much information in his head and he can't help but share it. But he's not the only one. There are other people out there like him and he's friends with them..lol!! But i would have never known that he actually had a different side to him. A side that could joke around and be funny. An emotional side that shows his sensetivity. He's actually someone i can see a future with a real future. I know that the day he says those 3 words they'll really mean something. He's not looking for a relationship just to have one. He wants something real. He wants to be friends and have a solid foundation to build a great relationship on. Every time i look into his eyes i can't help but feel weak at the knees. To think i almost let him go! I almost let him slip through my fingers. But thank God i didn't!! I've got a hold on him and i won't let go unless i know it's for the best! I don't want to let him go ever! Is it possible that i'm falling in love with him? I hope its real. I really do!!

Jaylin Miles!!

Only 44 days left until Miles' due date. The excitement is building with every day that passes. But then there's this under tone of fear. Wondering if i'll be ok during the birthing process, will he be small or big, did i do everything right? Tons of things are running through my mind. But i know it'll all be fine!! It's in God's hands and he's never let me down before. So i don't believe He would choose now to not protect me. He's been so faithful in every way. And he's still being faithful. I have a huge feeling that everything i've ever wanted is about to come my way. Maybe not all at once or even this year but it's all coming!! And if i'm wrong it'll be ok because it'll happen one way or another. Life is an amazing thing and i can't wait to watch my little boy live his!!