With this being the beginning of a new year I thought I would make some changes. There's one in particular I like to focus on. I had decided that like most people I know I was gonna become emotionally unattached. Not saying some of my friends are, they are just better at controlling their emotions. They know how to keep people out and everything. I on the other hand am an emotional wreck! I mean there are days I just want to cry for no reason. I fall in love way too easily and in return get my heart broken every time! And more then likely I always wonder why my relationships never work out. It's becuz I'm so emotional! Not only that but becuz I'm so emotional I allow others to be emotional around me. So I can make you comfortable enough to open up to me. But when you do that you are asking to be just a friend. Becuz now all he's thinking is if we date and it doesn't work who am I gonna be able to talk to? So I decided I was gonna build a wall around my heart! No longer was I gonna be that shoulder! I was gonna play hard to get. But my problem is this!!!! I'm not that kind of girl!!! I love being the one friend you can come to and completely be yourself! I love having the closeness with people! I've always been able to tell when I've truly liked someone and only been infatuated. I can honestly say in my whole life I've truly cared about someone twice. And you want to know what one is my nearest guy friend in the world and the other I'm still working that out. Becuz I became so attached I'm trying to unattach myself. And when I do I know we're gonna be close friends again. So my point is this.... Yes I'm an emotional wreck and I probably over dramatize situations but would you have me any other way? Would you rather I build a wall and become emotionally cut off? I take people for who they are, flaws, scars, brokeness, etc. I take you! I don't ask for anything more or less. So do the same for me! That's all I wanted to say!

A Sad Girls Broken Heart

Break ups are never fun, I mean have you seen the movie The Break-Up!? Yea they suck! But what sucks most are the its probably for the best or you'll find someone better or maybe this was suppose to happen! HELLO!!! Do you think if i knew that was the case i wouldn't be crying! I wouldn't care so much!! But the truth is I don't know for sure if its for the best, I don't know if someone better will come along, and I freakin don't know if it was suppose to happen. All I know is i'm crying, he's gone and that's it!! Ok now i'm not trying to make anyone feel bad about trying to console a friend who's going through a break up. I mean really what can you say to someone? Fact is I don't believe in Mr. Right, nor do I believe in Mr. Right Now! They don't exist, stop trying to look for them. Pretty much if the guy or girl is right for you, you'll know becuz they stick around. Its funny that someone people believe in the whole Mr. Right Now becuz we all know we at some point thought he'd stick around. You can't sit there and tell me you didn't hope you would be the one he'd change for. We all do/did! Fun fact, if he doesn't change for you willingly and by himself..... HE NEVER WILL!!! Thats when you move on and let him go!!! If he doesn't want you fine, on to the next one! Becuz you know if you don't you'll be sitting around wishing he'd call or text or just show up. I posted about girls like that on my Facebook! Some times i just want to punch em right in the face! Until i realize i'm one of them! Then i want to punch myself in the face, lol!! Gah, and what i hate most is when you have the conversations in your head. When you make up what they'll say. It all works out in your head but the actual conversation never does! And whats sad is you knew it would really end that way but you still hope for the best. So what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you let those feelings go? When you find the answer to these questions let me know! Becuz I have no frickin idea! Good luck not thinking about him! Good luck trying to forget when he told you, he really liked you and thought about you all the time. Good luck trying to forget all the fun you guys had together just chillin and doin nothing. Good frickin luck moving on! Seriously good luck you're gonna need it! It's not easy letting it go. Especially when you thought things were different with him. When you thought that this could actually turn out to be something amazing. And all that happened is the same thing thats always happened. You end up right back in the friend zone!

Listen i'm not trying to bash anyone. I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad. I'm just saying I've been here/there before. Actually more than a few times. Its either me putting him in the friend zone or its him putting me there. Becuz if i was truly honest with him I'd have said I was scared of commitment too. That I didn't feel worthy of him. That I've been praying for him every night. That I knew i was probably being overly affectionate. That I knew I was pressuring him. That everytime I asked a question i analyed the way it was answered. That I knew we were heading to an end and I desparately tried to fight it. That the moment you closed the door it felt like someone took all the air out of the room and my heart broke into a million pieces. That even though I shouldn't I'm not going anywhere, so if you ever need me I'm only a call/text away. That bing with anyone else would feel like settle for less than what we had.

Stop! Excuse me please return to the Freiend Zone

That seems to be my life when it comes to relationships. I always seem to be put in the friend zone. Which i guess is better than nothing. But there are times that i actually do fall for a guy and yet never get past being friends. And its always the same thing, you're such an awesome girl, you've got a great sense of humor, you're so laid back. Seriously!? So what do guys want? Up-tight, never smiling, never joking back, nose stuck up in the air type of girls? If thats the case then heck yea we can be friends. I'm never gonna be that, ever!! But sadly now I have to deal with the its becuz you're a mom. I get some guys aren't ready for the whole kid thing and I try to keep dating and miles seperate. One i don't want Miles to grow up and thinking he knows what dating is becuz he's seen mommy date. And two unless we're seriously in a relationship my kid is not your concern. But again I can see how its hard to date a single mom and i only ask one thing. If you know i'm a mom and it kinda freaks you out don't pretend to want to date. Just be straight from the beginning. And don't assume I want to marry you. I bet you didn't even know i didn't want to be a mom. There are still days I struggle with it becuz this wasn't the life I wanted. At least not right now. But this is my life and i have kid. I didn't realize how my of my life would be taken away becuz of having a kid. I mean i knew i wouldn't be able to hang out with friends as much but the dating life didn't hit me until last night. So yea i cried about it but only becuz i never thought my kid would be the reason a guy wouldn't be with me. Its funny, a guy uses puppies and babies to get women all the time. But put a baby on a womans hip and guys run away. its sad too. Anyways I couldn't sleep so i had to get up and blog! Just another road block in life that i'll have to figure out how to remove. I just wish you would have given it a chance. I wish you have given me a chance. But i guess the what ifs are too big in your head and fear is too great. I'm still hoping you change your mind but I don't think you will. I will always be a friend, huh? That's cool.

my hopeless romance

I'm not someone who can easily hide my feelings. And I'm pretty sure everyone that knows me knows its true. I get it from my dad, lol, love ya daddy! Have you ever had someone in your life that you thought about all the time? Someone you believe you could spend all your time with. Its like they become your best friend all the sudden. You start to feel like you can tell them practically everything and anything. I had that once. He became everything and i didn't believe he could do anything wrong. He was perfect in my eyes. But he always kept me at a distance and yet close enough to feel like i was still wanted. I use to say he was that one guy for me. The one I'd always go back to and the one I'd compare every other guy to. Then a year and half ago reality finally set in. He was never gonna be mine. No matter how long I waited it would never happen. We were just....friends. O my gosh the devastation to my heart when that became reality. How do you move one from that!? I mean seriously, like, you give yourself so fully to something and then realize its nothing. Its, its so wrong, and its so sad how we as humans fall so easily for a glimpse of what we believe to be our fairy tale. I mean, come seriously I was 18 when i met him and he was suppose to be my Knight in shining armor!?!? Of course he was i was a baby! But what i didn't see what i didn't know was I couldn't have a real relationship because i was always thinking of him. I was always thinking who ever i with wasn't who i wanted him to be. Because i believed I had already found my Prince Charming. So now that I've realized what i missed out on i have a choice. I can either sit here and continue in this fantasy belief or I can get up and move on. Not saying hes a bad guy. He was perfect! But now i get to use my corny line, he's just not perfect for me. I'm refusing to have another failed relationship all because i live in a fantasy world. i still believe in fairy tales. And trust me I'm going to have mine but its just not right now. Or maybe it is. Who knows!? God and life have never fully given all the answers. But it does say all things work for my good. So even though I've been through a lot of bad, good is not far away. I think my heart has been broken so much but only so it can get stronger. I once posted that you have to break a muscle to make it stronger. So what does your heart say about you? Yes I may love easily but that's because I know what real heart ache feels like. And I'd rather love than not know what it feels like to be loved. I want you to see it and feel it than think I don't care. Everyone deserves the chance to have love in their life. So if I can be that light then awesome. If you are going through what Ive just talked about please know you have to walk away. Know the difference between real love and what you think is love. Because I'll be completely honest, being able to look in someones eyes and know they're the only one on your mind is amazing. I've never felt life this, I'm not saying I'm in love, NO!! LOL!!! But i am able to be in a moment and really be there. My mind is clear and my focus is set. Other than the normal (God and Miles) there's only one person on my mind. And i think that's how it should be. Unless you think you playa! In which, YA TRICK!!! LOL!! yes i just went there, i pulled the Medea! haha!! ok I'm done, I'm done! Leaving on a serious note.... Whats done is done, you cant change anything in the past. But you have a choice to change your future. The only question is who/what is stopping you!? Think on it! If you want respond! I'm open to the conversation! Its my favorite one! LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

Truth Be Told...

I'm seriously the worst liar ever. And I easily fall for lies, especially when they're told by someone I trust. So I've come to know a lot of heart break, broken friendships, and never to be talked about again relationships. All becuz the trust was broken. But at the same time I can easily forgive someone who lies. Though you never know if they're truly sorry. So when I realize they're still lying that bridge of trust is torn down again. But just like before I simply build it back up. It's a constant struggle becuz I want to see the good in everyone and give those that can't show it the opportunity to do so. I don't think there's is one friend that i've had in my life that hasn't lied to me. Weather it was to hide something from me or protect me from something else. Every friend has kept the truth from me. So with that, all i want to say it just be honest. I'd rather you tell me the truth and we decide how to handle the situation from there. Rather than keep it going and end up making a complete mess of everything. Some would says what the difference? Either way you're gonna get hurt. Yea, maybe, but at least I knew before I got in to deep. That's the difference! Give me the opportunity to make a choice of continuing or not in a situation with you. Dont allow me to create something out of nothing. That's just making me look like a fool. And in the end hurting me more. So if you were really my friend, if you really cared about me then don't let me look like an idiot. Don't let me have the feeling that everyone else knows but me. I've been through enough. I just want to feel something real, and honest. And please don't expect my to explain myself when we end up never talking again. It's becuz I don't trust you and I refuse to build that bridge. It's up to you to build it and if you truly cared then it shouldn't be a problem. So with that said good night!

and just a side note; no this blog isn't to any one person(s). this is just me thinking and blogging. Got to get this stuff out of me or I'll explode LOL

To know me is to love me (Pt 2)

So yea my last post was kinda in your face, whoo where did that come from type of thing. I find it easier to be myself through the internet one becuz i don't have to hear/see your first response. And two i'm way too insecure to say what i really feel/think to your faces. So I apologize if I was too blunt or whatever the case may be to you. Not my intentions. i'm just tryin to be me. Plus if i didn't at least write some of this stuff my head and emotions would explode. So for my sanity and your sake please just let me do me. If you need further clarification talk to me personally. We'll figure something i'm sure. Now on a lighter note...There is one, technically two, thing that i just love about me. And to some its probably wierd. But if you ever have the chance take a look at the tops of my hands. My vains make a heart shape on both. The Left hand is more defined than the right. I just think its cool. I like to think its an everyday reminder from God that I'm loved. I think He knew thats one area in my life that i was gonna struggle with the most. So He put these hearts on my hands to remind me that i'm loved and that its ok to love others. After having watched people come and go through the years and never really having many "real" friends I've learned to not trust people. I mean whats the point when i know it will all end the same. I've used, abused, walked on, pushed around, you name i've lived it. I'm no longer disappointed when when someone walks out of my life. I wait for it to happen. But recently i've realized that i actually have some awesome friends and an amazing family! Even though i struggle to let my guard down with some people, I'm finding more confidence in myself everyday. hopefully one day these hands won't just be a reminder to me but to someone special to me. I don't know I guess i'm starting to believe in fairytales again. Maybe Prince Charming really is out there. Who knows? Just something i've been thinking about. Anyways, next time, Deuces!!!

To Know Me Is To Love Me

If it were possible to go back in time and change one event that happened I think I'd do it. Don't get me wrong I LOVE MY SON and having the same end result would be fine with me. But there's just this one thing that i can't seem to let go of. Even though I have no emotions about it i still think about and wonder how it happened. How did i let something like that happen to me? Most girls who have been there have to go through so much to get over it. Therapy and such. Plus the fact most are caught off guard by it. Its not something you sit around waiting to happen to you. I should have known it was gonna happen. But I didn't believe it would. I didn't want to believe. But there i was and then it happened. I can't be mad about it or sad or anything. I made a choice and then had to deal with the consequences. I'm not gonna join a group for women who have been raped. But that's what happened. That's what i spent a year trying to fix. Trying to find some guy who could make it ok. But the truth is, there's no one on this planet that can make it ok. It's not possible. I can't expect the next guy that comes into my life is gonna "correct" the wrong that was done. Why put pressure like that on someone? Why do people think it takes someone else to fix them? One there's nothing wrong with you!! Something bad happened, yes, but its up to you to turn it into something good. Its up you to take it and own and control it. Or trust it WILL control you. We give too much of ourselves over to people who don't deserve or have earned anything we have. It's time to take back what was stolen. I refuse to let him have control over me. He took something away that I can't get back. But if I don't let go then I'm just fighting a losing fight. He's not even thinking twice about me now. I doubt he even remembers. So why even give him just one thought? I would go back and change it but at the same time I love my life now. And everyone that's apart of it. And I'm just scratching the surface of who i am, LOL! Til next time, peace and love!