Still Missing Her

The week before Mother's Day this year was really brutal. I last wrote about my grandmother and her struggle losing her memory and pretty much all normal functioning of her body. But those last few weeks of her life were some I'll never forget. I still cry when I think too long about her. But I feel like I'm not being a good granddaughter if I don't think about her. I guess it's also because I'm scared she didn't know how much I loved her. I've always felt like a disappointment to my family. I've never gotten along with my mom since we don't see things the same way. I'm a daddy's girl but I'm more afraid of what he thinks of me than if he actually loves me. It's a rocky road with my siblings I'm not even sure if they like me honestly. And I've never had a close relationship with anyone else in my family. For me, my friends feel more like blood relatives than my actual family. But watching my grandmother, all I wanted to do was give her my strength, give her my energy. Something anything to make her better. If there was just some way to reach inside and make the dementia go away I would have. But I couldn't, I was helpless in making this woman who I've known my whole life better. I couldn't stop it, but I couldn't watch it either. It wasn't until my sister made go sit by my grandmother that I truly realized what was happening. It was time to say goodbye. But how do you say something so final when there's still so much more to say. As soon as I sat by her bedside I found I couldn't move away. I couldn't stop staring at her, touching her hair, kissing her forehead. I couldn't say "I love you" enough. 

Getting the call that she was gone, I became numb. I didn't know what to do, I was at work for goodness sake. All those friends I passed by kept saying they were sorry, and I didn't know how to respond. I just slightly smiled and said thanks. Isn't that what you're suppose to say? I've never lost someone that close before. Lost? Lost like she was an earring or keys. She was a person, a soul. She was a ball of energy that loved people. I didn't lose her, she was taken from me. Taken by something I could fight. I remember walking into the house and just feeling the heaviness of it all. The heartbreak we all were feeling. And then seeing everyone standing around her bed starring at her body. I couldn't stay away again. A friend was trying to be funny, I think, when he asked about me kissing a dead body. I had to though. I was ready to say goodbye, even during the funeral. I was a bodyguard on duty. Standing by her coffin as people walked by just to make sure nothing happened to her. I know she couldn't hear me anymore, but it was for me at that point. Telling my grandmother goodbye for the last time was devastating and still is. 

Not sure why I'm writing this. Maybe it's because I have a best friend whose father just found he has cancer. And hearing her tell me how scared she is of losing him, how helpless she feels. It breaks my heart because I know how she feels. I just really miss my grandmother.