5 Years

I don't think this is much a surprise to anyone when I say I'm in love. I mean I've been with the same guy for about 5 years now. We started off dating and then broke but remained close friends. Basically to me it's like we never broke up but we are just friends. We've had a ups and downs. I've been told by several people to move on and let him go. I mean he's told me to move before. And there's a part of my that wants to. To just throw my hands up and say I quit. That's a really small part of me though, because I would rather stay how we are than let him go. Before you go calling me crazy or whatever, understand me. I'm a single mother to an awesome, just turned, 7 year old. This man has somewhat been apart of my kids life for more than half of it. I've never pushed them to have a relationship. Maybe it's not right, but I didn't want him to think I was looking for a father for my son. Because technically I'm not, I mean I am. But I'm not. I know that whoever I marry will love my son because to love my son is to love me. But pushing a guy to be with me isn't the way to go, so why push him to have a relationship with my son? It wouldn't be fair. Especially if he's not ready for a regular relationship yet. Recently I spilt my heart out, which has happened more than once. But this time it was different. Because as much as I want to say I'm okay with our current relationship, part of me wants more. There will always be a part of me that wants more. I want to feel wanted, I want him to give me some hope that one day we will be more than just friends. I mean my family really likes him, all his closet friends like me. We are pretty different but at the same time we have a lot in common. I know you shouldn't change for people but I want to be better for him. And I feel like if I'm better for him then in the end it's probably better for me too. Because he wants me to do more, be more, achieve more. He wants me to encourage myself, and be more independent, to be more confident in myself. He wants me to chase my dreams, just like I want all those things for him. 5 years is a long time to give someone, and it seems like a waste to just walk away. I love this man so much and I would do anything to be his. So accepting that we are friends and taking what I can get at this point is pretty all I can do. I can't make him love me the same way. I can't force him to feel what he doesn't. I can only be here for him and support him in whatever he does. I know I annoy him at times and I can be needy. But at the end of the day I just want him to know that my heart is his and I will always be there for him. The last couple months, maybe year haven't been the easiest. I've been dealing with a lot of mental issues and self doubt. My insecurities have definitely gotten the best of me lately. I'm terrified some girl will come along and just take him from me. She'll have more going for her and won't have as much baggage. And he'll look at her and realize he's wasting his time with me. So what do you do? Not that I'm really asking, I'm just constantly having these thoughts and I'm hoping if I put it out there maybe I can rest easier tonight. Maybe the negativity will go away. Here's hoping!! Thanks for listening to my rant or whining or whatever you want to call it.