5 Years

I don't think this is much a surprise to anyone when I say I'm in love. I mean I've been with the same guy for about 5 years now. We started off dating and then broke but remained close friends. Basically to me it's like we never broke up but we are just friends. We've had a ups and downs. I've been told by several people to move on and let him go. I mean he's told me to move before. And there's a part of my that wants to. To just throw my hands up and say I quit. That's a really small part of me though, because I would rather stay how we are than let him go. Before you go calling me crazy or whatever, understand me. I'm a single mother to an awesome, just turned, 7 year old. This man has somewhat been apart of my kids life for more than half of it. I've never pushed them to have a relationship. Maybe it's not right, but I didn't want him to think I was looking for a father for my son. Because technically I'm not, I mean I am. But I'm not. I know that whoever I marry will love my son because to love my son is to love me. But pushing a guy to be with me isn't the way to go, so why push him to have a relationship with my son? It wouldn't be fair. Especially if he's not ready for a regular relationship yet. Recently I spilt my heart out, which has happened more than once. But this time it was different. Because as much as I want to say I'm okay with our current relationship, part of me wants more. There will always be a part of me that wants more. I want to feel wanted, I want him to give me some hope that one day we will be more than just friends. I mean my family really likes him, all his closet friends like me. We are pretty different but at the same time we have a lot in common. I know you shouldn't change for people but I want to be better for him. And I feel like if I'm better for him then in the end it's probably better for me too. Because he wants me to do more, be more, achieve more. He wants me to encourage myself, and be more independent, to be more confident in myself. He wants me to chase my dreams, just like I want all those things for him. 5 years is a long time to give someone, and it seems like a waste to just walk away. I love this man so much and I would do anything to be his. So accepting that we are friends and taking what I can get at this point is pretty all I can do. I can't make him love me the same way. I can't force him to feel what he doesn't. I can only be here for him and support him in whatever he does. I know I annoy him at times and I can be needy. But at the end of the day I just want him to know that my heart is his and I will always be there for him. The last couple months, maybe year haven't been the easiest. I've been dealing with a lot of mental issues and self doubt. My insecurities have definitely gotten the best of me lately. I'm terrified some girl will come along and just take him from me. She'll have more going for her and won't have as much baggage. And he'll look at her and realize he's wasting his time with me. So what do you do? Not that I'm really asking, I'm just constantly having these thoughts and I'm hoping if I put it out there maybe I can rest easier tonight. Maybe the negativity will go away. Here's hoping!! Thanks for listening to my rant or whining or whatever you want to call it.

Still Missing Her

The week before Mother's Day this year was really brutal. I last wrote about my grandmother and her struggle losing her memory and pretty much all normal functioning of her body. But those last few weeks of her life were some I'll never forget. I still cry when I think too long about her. But I feel like I'm not being a good granddaughter if I don't think about her. I guess it's also because I'm scared she didn't know how much I loved her. I've always felt like a disappointment to my family. I've never gotten along with my mom since we don't see things the same way. I'm a daddy's girl but I'm more afraid of what he thinks of me than if he actually loves me. It's a rocky road with my siblings I'm not even sure if they like me honestly. And I've never had a close relationship with anyone else in my family. For me, my friends feel more like blood relatives than my actual family. But watching my grandmother, all I wanted to do was give her my strength, give her my energy. Something anything to make her better. If there was just some way to reach inside and make the dementia go away I would have. But I couldn't, I was helpless in making this woman who I've known my whole life better. I couldn't stop it, but I couldn't watch it either. It wasn't until my sister made go sit by my grandmother that I truly realized what was happening. It was time to say goodbye. But how do you say something so final when there's still so much more to say. As soon as I sat by her bedside I found I couldn't move away. I couldn't stop staring at her, touching her hair, kissing her forehead. I couldn't say "I love you" enough. 

Getting the call that she was gone, I became numb. I didn't know what to do, I was at work for goodness sake. All those friends I passed by kept saying they were sorry, and I didn't know how to respond. I just slightly smiled and said thanks. Isn't that what you're suppose to say? I've never lost someone that close before. Lost? Lost like she was an earring or keys. She was a person, a soul. She was a ball of energy that loved people. I didn't lose her, she was taken from me. Taken by something I could fight. I remember walking into the house and just feeling the heaviness of it all. The heartbreak we all were feeling. And then seeing everyone standing around her bed starring at her body. I couldn't stay away again. A friend was trying to be funny, I think, when he asked about me kissing a dead body. I had to though. I was ready to say goodbye, even during the funeral. I was a bodyguard on duty. Standing by her coffin as people walked by just to make sure nothing happened to her. I know she couldn't hear me anymore, but it was for me at that point. Telling my grandmother goodbye for the last time was devastating and still is. 

Not sure why I'm writing this. Maybe it's because I have a best friend whose father just found he has cancer. And hearing her tell me how scared she is of losing him, how helpless she feels. It breaks my heart because I know how she feels. I just really miss my grandmother.

Losing Greatness

It's hard to lose a loved one. You look at the world differently when they're gone. Wonder if they did all the things they had dreamed of doing. And it puts your life in perspective too. Are you living as loud and as bravely as you can? My brother in law lost his mother to cancer a few years ago, but man was she fierce! She's not let it take her down when it came to helping others. And we honor her memory and love every year through a food drive for the homeless. That's what she wanted to do, help those who couldn't help themselves. Last night he lost his grandmother also and she was like a second mother to him. Loved him beyond words, never turned him away when he would mess up. She made everyone feel loved and cherished. The world is missing that light today. 

What's happened to our world? When has having the most liked photo or most retweeted post been so important? I miss just getting together with friends and having a blast laughing and joking around. There is a love and a connection with people we are missing. I don't want to disappoint generations past who fought so hard to find that for us. Who worked days and nights with their own hands to give us opportunity of a better life. Living out loud doesn't mean being heard or seen. It means giving your all for what you believe to be true. To give yourself in service of others. Love is seriously what this world is missing.

I'm just tired

I don't feel like myself lately. It's hard to put into words what this feels like. I just feel so drained and angry all the time. Until my heart and mind have a battle and I slip into depression which is happening more and more these days. It's getting harder to hide it too. I've had more people ask me what's wrong in the past week than I've had my entire life. Part of me what's to talk about just so I can find some release. But the anger is starting to surface and I have hulk smash moments. I don't like myself or anyone for that matter. I feel the need to hit things/people more often. I don't, for those of you wondering. I don't even expect people to really read this. I mean why would you? I'm no one important or interesting to listen to. I'm just some weirdo who can't give anything anymore. I've always given my heart, trust and faith in others freely. I love easily, therefore I love hard. I'm not perfect, trust me, I have a friend who reminds me almost daily how needy and obnoxious I am. I'm just tired, I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of loving, I'm tired of giving. And once you get to feeling this way, no one wants to be around you. You have nothing to offer people anymore. I'm a horrible mother, daughter, sister, aunt and friend. I'm sorry for that but I have nothing to give to you people anymore. 

I battle with depression

Ever since I can remember depression has always been something i struggle with. I can be happy life is great for a long time. But I have times like this weekend where all I want to is lay in bed and cry. Actually if I could I'd be under my bed because its darker. Its hard to deal with because I don't want to be around anyone but at the same time I do. It was easier when I was a loner and didn't have but 2 friends. So I guess I'm apologizing because it does effect the way I interact with people. You may think I have an attitude or am being needy. But you have no idea the pain I'm feeling in my chest. I can feel my heart hurting because its in a battle with its self. I know on a normal day I can be difficult so on these days its extreme. I'm about to leave the comfort of my room and I'm about to have a meltdown because of it. But I know I have to, I mean I have to go to work in 3 hours.

So just so you know, anyone who is gonna have to deal with me today or till I get out of this funk. Everything in me hurts but I'm gonna keep going. Hopefully

New Genesis

So about two or three years ago my father and my brother-in-law came to our family and church with this awesome idea. Many of you know there is a place in Downtown Greenville, SC called Tent City. Tent City is the home of people who have fallen on hard times. Many of them have children who are growing up in a culture that pretty much have forgotten about them. In our world today we have put our focus on issues such as homosexuality, or keeping up with the Kardashians, or what Miley Cyrus does at her concerts, or how Lady Gaga is dressing or not dressing. We worry about who "The Bachelor" is gonna pick at the end of the show. Pop culture has taken over our lives. Its easier to face time with friends, than to actually go out with them. I'm not saying its all bad but doesn't it feel different to you? Don't you find yourself wondering about people? Or are you so wrapped up in pop culture and iPhone to notice?

I think I'm going somewhat off track so let me catch my breath real quick.....

New Genesis: New Beginning
This is something I want to give to the homeless in my city. I know there are some great programs and centers already doing this, but I think we can take it a step further. I want to start a sort of halfway house. Some people are homeless because they got hooked on drug/alcohol, lost their job, or just fell behind on bills. I want to give them an opportunity to get back on their feet. Again some centers and programs do this already but here's where we'll it a step further. After a time period I want to move these families back into homes of their own. I want to develop a neighborhood so we can continue to help more homeless. My actual dream in to have a neighborhood like this in every state but we'll start here first. Is this impossible? Nope!! Working for 7 years in retail has taught me one thing, I'm never going to be happy working at a place where my heart and passion is not at. I love my coworkers who have definitely become like family to me. But waking up everyday to go to a job that makes me miserable, is stressing me out too much. This is everything I want to do with my life. I want to help people, I want to build houses and decorate them, I want to do landscaping, I want to feel like I'm doing something with my life. What better way than to help give people a new beginning at their pursuit of happiness!

Game of Hearts

How do you trick your heart? A simple question but its so complicated too. So lets discuss it