I'm not ok

So I've been pretty open about myself with people. I mean come on just reading my blog tells you I'm an open book. I'm not ashamed of what I've gone through. And I thought that because I could be open about it all that I wouldn't be an issue in my life. I thought I was strong in that I didn't let things effect me like most in my situation. But I'm realizing how many problems I truly do have now because I didn't really deal with things like I should have. I think that's why I've had so many failed relationships. And now I laugh because you know people ask that same question "what's wrong with you?" LOL and for the longest I believed nothing was wrong with me. And I know you're gonna read this and think I'm crazy or whatever. But let me be perfectly clear so you understand...... My name is Amy Moore and I'm an addict. I'm addicted to finding something to fill the void I've created. I've put pressure on my relationship in hopes that the right guy would make all my pain and longing go away. I've "fallen in love" more then once when really I was pretending. I've been pretending to be ok with everything and kept hoping for the day Prince Charming would ride in on his white horse. But even if he did I still wouldn't have a fairy tale ending because I still haven't dealt with my issues. So here it goes..... I've admitted I know my problem. Now I'm sorry to those that have had to deal with me is ways no one will understand. I'm sorry to my girl friends who have had to listen to me rant about guys and telling me what I should do but not listening. I knew you were right and I should have listened from the beginning. I'm sorry to every guy I put too much pressure on. I shouldn't have expected you to fix me. I shouldnt have said I loved you and did whatever to keep you around. I should have let you walked out from the beginning. I should have just been myself. BUT...... I want to say thank you to all the people in my life today. Those that I actually speak to on a regular basis. I've been more myself these past couple of months because you've allowed me to do that. You've been such a blessing you'll never know how much I love you and appreciate our friendships. And last I want to apologize to Miles Father. Though I may never see you again and you'll never read this. It'd be nice to finally say it. I'm sorry you'll never see Miles grow up. I'm sorry you aren't here to see him dance around, hear him sing, or find out just how funny he is. I'm sorry I gave myself to you but I will never apologize for this beautiful boy you gave me. Thank you for that. Instead of giving meaningless love away. I can now pour my everything into him and make sure he knows what real love is. It's not being there because you're asked, its being there because you want to. It's giving yourself to someone without wanting or needing something in return. And I promise you I'm gonna be the best mother/father because that's what he deserves. So I may have issues still to work through and I may not be ok. But that's ok, no one is truly ok, so I know I'm not the only one.