My World!!

2012-01-11T12:22:00.000-08:00

With this being the beginning of a new year I thought I would make some changes. There's one in particular I like to focus on. I had decided that like most people I know I was gonna become emotionally unattached. Not saying some of my friends are, they are just better at controlling their emotions. They know how to keep people out and everything. I on the other hand am an emotional wreck! I mean there are days I just want to cry for no reason. I fall in love way too easily and in return get my heart broken every time! And more then likely I always wonder why my relationships never work out. It's becuz I'm so emotional! Not only that but becuz I'm so emotional I allow others to be emotional around me. So I can make you comfortable enough to open up to me. But when you do that you are asking to be just a friend. Becuz now all he's thinking is if we date and it doesn't work who am I gonna be able to talk to? So I decided I was gonna build a wall around my heart! No longer was I gonna be that shoulder! I was gonna play hard to get. But my problem is this!!!! I'm not that kind of girl!!! I love being the one friend you can come to and completely be yourself! I love having the closeness with people! I've always been able to tell when I've truly liked someone and only been infatuated. I can honestly say in my whole life I've truly cared about someone twice. And you want to know what one is my nearest guy friend in the world and the other I'm still working that out. Becuz I became so attached I'm trying to unattach myself. And when I do I know we're gonna be close friends again. So my point is this.... Yes I'm an emotional wreck and I probably over dramatize situations but would you have me any other way? Would you rather I build a wall and become emotionally cut off? I take people for who they are, flaws, scars, brokeness, etc. I take you! I don't ask for anything more or less. So do the same for me! That's all I wanted to say!

A Sad Girls Broken Heart

2011-12-10T17:47:00.000-08:00

Break ups are never fun, I mean have you seen the movie The Break-Up!? Yea they suck! But what sucks most are the its probably for the best or you'll find someone better or maybe this was suppose to happen! HELLO!!! Do you think if i knew that was the case i wouldn't be crying! I wouldn't care so much!! But the truth is I don't know for sure if its for the best, I don't know if someone better will come along, and I freakin don't know if it was suppose to happen. All I know is i'm crying, he's gone and that's it!! Ok now i'm not trying to make anyone feel bad about trying to console a friend who's going through a break up. I mean really what can you say to someone? Fact is I don't believe in Mr. Right, nor do I believe in Mr. Right Now! They don't exist, stop trying to look for them. Pretty much if the guy or girl is right for you, you'll know becuz they stick around. Its funny that someone people believe in the whole Mr. Right Now becuz we all know we at some point thought he'd stick around. You can't sit there and tell me you didn't hope you would be the one he'd change for. We all do/did! Fun fact, if he doesn't change for you willingly and by himself..... HE NEVER WILL!!! Thats when you move on and let him go!!! If he doesn't want you fine, on to the next one! Becuz you know if you don't you'll be sitting around wishing he'd call or text or just show up. I posted about girls like that on my Facebook! Some times i just want to punch em right in the face! Until i realize i'm one of them! Then i want to punch myself in the face, lol!! Gah, and what i hate most is when you have the conversations in your head. When you make up what they'll say. It all works out in your head but the actual conversation never does! And whats sad is you knew it would really end that way but you still hope for the best. So what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you let those feelings go? When you find the answer to these questions let me know! Becuz I have no frickin idea! Good luck not thinking about him! Good luck trying to forget when he told you, he really liked you and thought about you all the time. Good luck trying to forget all the fun you guys had together just chillin and doin nothing. Good frickin luck moving on! Seriously good luck you're gonna need it! It's not easy letting it go. Especially when you thought things were different with him. When you thought that this could actually turn out to be something amazing. And all that happened is the same thing thats always happened. You end up right back in the friend zone!

Listen i'm not trying to bash anyone. I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad. I'm just saying I've been here/there before. Actually more than a few times. Its either me putting him in the friend zone or its him putting me there. Becuz if i was truly honest with him I'd have said I was scared of commitment too. That I didn't feel worthy of him. That I've been praying for him every night. That I knew i was probably being overly affectionate. That I knew I was pressuring him. That everytime I asked a question i analyed the way it was answered. That I knew we were heading to an end and I desparately tried to fight it. That the moment you closed the door it felt like someone took all the air out of the room and my heart broke into a million pieces. That even though I shouldn't I'm not going anywhere, so if you ever need me I'm only a call/text away. That bing with anyone else would feel like settle for less than what we had.

Stop! Excuse me please return to the Freiend Zone

2011-11-12T18:58:00.000-08:00

That seems to be my life when it comes to relationships. I always seem to be put in the friend zone. Which i guess is better than nothing. But there are times that i actually do fall for a guy and yet never get past being friends. And its always the same thing, you're such an awesome girl, you've got a great sense of humor, you're so laid back. Seriously!? So what do guys want? Up-tight, never smiling, never joking back, nose stuck up in the air type of girls? If thats the case then heck yea we can be friends. I'm never gonna be that, ever!! But sadly now I have to deal with the its becuz you're a mom. I get some guys aren't ready for the whole kid thing and I try to keep dating and miles seperate. One i don't want Miles to grow up and thinking he knows what dating is becuz he's seen mommy date. And two unless we're seriously in a relationship my kid is not your concern. But again I can see how its hard to date a single mom and i only ask one thing. If you know i'm a mom and it kinda freaks you out don't pretend to want to date. Just be straight from the beginning. And don't assume I want to marry you. I bet you didn't even know i didn't want to be a mom. There are still days I struggle with it becuz this wasn't the life I wanted. At least not right now. But this is my life and i have kid. I didn't realize how my of my life would be taken away becuz of having a kid. I mean i knew i wouldn't be able to hang out with friends as much but the dating life didn't hit me until last night. So yea i cried about it but only becuz i never thought my kid would be the reason a guy wouldn't be with me. Its funny, a guy uses puppies and babies to get women all the time. But put a baby on a womans hip and guys run away. its sad too. Anyways I couldn't sleep so i had to get up and blog! Just another road block in life that i'll have to figure out how to remove. I just wish you would have given it a chance. I wish you have given me a chance. But i guess the what ifs are too big in your head and fear is too great. I'm still hoping you change your mind but I don't think you will. I will always be a friend, huh? That's cool.

my hopeless romance

2011-11-10T11:14:00.000-08:00

I'm not someone who can easily hide my feelings. And I'm pretty sure everyone that knows me knows its true. I get it from my dad, lol, love ya daddy! Have you ever had someone in your life that you thought about all the time? Someone you believe you could spend all your time with. Its like they become your best friend all the sudden. You start to feel like you can tell them practically everything and anything. I had that once. He became everything and i didn't believe he could do anything wrong. He was perfect in my eyes. But he always kept me at a distance and yet close enough to feel like i was still wanted. I use to say he was that one guy for me. The one I'd always go back to and the one I'd compare every other guy to. Then a year and half ago reality finally set in. He was never gonna be mine. No matter how long I waited it would never happen. We were just....friends. O my gosh the devastation to my heart when that became reality. How do you move one from that!? I mean seriously, like, you give yourself so fully to something and then realize its nothing. Its, its so wrong, and its so sad how we as humans fall so easily for a glimpse of what we believe to be our fairy tale. I mean, come seriously I was 18 when i met him and he was suppose to be my Knight in shining armor!?!? Of course he was i was a baby! But what i didn't see what i didn't know was I couldn't have a real relationship because i was always thinking of him. I was always thinking who ever i with wasn't who i wanted him to be. Because i believed I had already found my Prince Charming. So now that I've realized what i missed out on i have a choice. I can either sit here and continue in this fantasy belief or I can get up and move on. Not saying hes a bad guy. He was perfect! But now i get to use my corny line, he's just not perfect for me. I'm refusing to have another failed relationship all because i live in a fantasy world. i still believe in fairy tales. And trust me I'm going to have mine but its just not right now. Or maybe it is. Who knows!? God and life have never fully given all the answers. But it does say all things work for my good. So even though I've been through a lot of bad, good is not far away. I think my heart has been broken so much but only so it can get stronger. I once posted that you have to break a muscle to make it stronger. So what does your heart say about you? Yes I may love easily but that's because I know what real heart ache feels like. And I'd rather love than not know what it feels like to be loved. I want you to see it and feel it than think I don't care. Everyone deserves the chance to have love in their life. So if I can be that light then awesome. If you are going through what Ive just talked about please know you have to walk away. Know the difference between real love and what you think is love. Because I'll be completely honest, being able to look in someones eyes and know they're the only one on your mind is amazing. I've never felt life this, I'm not saying I'm in love, NO!! LOL!!! But i am able to be in a moment and really be there. My mind is clear and my focus is set. Other than the normal (God and Miles) there's only one person on my mind. And i think that's how it should be. Unless you think you playa! In which, YA TRICK!!! LOL!! yes i just went there, i pulled the Medea! haha!! ok I'm done, I'm done! Leaving on a serious note.... Whats done is done, you cant change anything in the past. But you have a choice to change your future. The only question is who/what is stopping you!? Think on it! If you want respond! I'm open to the conversation! Its my favorite one! LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

Truth Be Told...

2011-11-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

I'm seriously the worst liar ever. And I easily fall for lies, especially when they're told by someone I trust. So I've come to know a lot of heart break, broken friendships, and never to be talked about again relationships. All becuz the trust was broken. But at the same time I can easily forgive someone who lies. Though you never know if they're truly sorry. So when I realize they're still lying that bridge of trust is torn down again. But just like before I simply build it back up. It's a constant struggle becuz I want to see the good in everyone and give those that can't show it the opportunity to do so. I don't think there's is one friend that i've had in my life that hasn't lied to me. Weather it was to hide something from me or protect me from something else. Every friend has kept the truth from me. So with that, all i want to say it just be honest. I'd rather you tell me the truth and we decide how to handle the situation from there. Rather than keep it going and end up making a complete mess of everything. Some would says what the difference? Either way you're gonna get hurt. Yea, maybe, but at least I knew before I got in to deep. That's the difference! Give me the opportunity to make a choice of continuing or not in a situation with you. Dont allow me to create something out of nothing. That's just making me look like a fool. And in the end hurting me more. So if you were really my friend, if you really cared about me then don't let me look like an idiot. Don't let me have the feeling that everyone else knows but me. I've been through enough. I just want to feel something real, and honest. And please don't expect my to explain myself when we end up never talking again. It's becuz I don't trust you and I refuse to build that bridge. It's up to you to build it and if you truly cared then it shouldn't be a problem. So with that said good night!

and just a side note; no this blog isn't to any one person(s). this is just me thinking and blogging. Got to get this stuff out of me or I'll explode LOL

To know me is to love me (Pt 2)

2011-10-19T18:39:00.000-07:00

So yea my last post was kinda in your face, whoo where did that come from type of thing. I find it easier to be myself through the internet one becuz i don't have to hear/see your first response. And two i'm way too insecure to say what i really feel/think to your faces. So I apologize if I was too blunt or whatever the case may be to you. Not my intentions. i'm just tryin to be me. Plus if i didn't at least write some of this stuff my head and emotions would explode. So for my sanity and your sake please just let me do me. If you need further clarification talk to me personally. We'll figure something i'm sure. Now on a lighter note...There is one, technically two, thing that i just love about me. And to some its probably wierd. But if you ever have the chance take a look at the tops of my hands. My vains make a heart shape on both. The Left hand is more defined than the right. I just think its cool. I like to think its an everyday reminder from God that I'm loved. I think He knew thats one area in my life that i was gonna struggle with the most. So He put these hearts on my hands to remind me that i'm loved and that its ok to love others. After having watched people come and go through the years and never really having many "real" friends I've learned to not trust people. I mean whats the point when i know it will all end the same. I've used, abused, walked on, pushed around, you name i've lived it. I'm no longer disappointed when when someone walks out of my life. I wait for it to happen. But recently i've realized that i actually have some awesome friends and an amazing family! Even though i struggle to let my guard down with some people, I'm finding more confidence in myself everyday. hopefully one day these hands won't just be a reminder to me but to someone special to me. I don't know I guess i'm starting to believe in fairytales again. Maybe Prince Charming really is out there. Who knows? Just something i've been thinking about. Anyways, next time, Deuces!!!

To Know Me Is To Love Me

2011-10-14T11:12:00.000-07:00

If it were possible to go back in time and change one event that happened I think I'd do it. Don't get me wrong I LOVE MY SON and having the same end result would be fine with me. But there's just this one thing that i can't seem to let go of. Even though I have no emotions about it i still think about and wonder how it happened. How did i let something like that happen to me? Most girls who have been there have to go through so much to get over it. Therapy and such. Plus the fact most are caught off guard by it. Its not something you sit around waiting to happen to you. I should have known it was gonna happen. But I didn't believe it would. I didn't want to believe. But there i was and then it happened. I can't be mad about it or sad or anything. I made a choice and then had to deal with the consequences. I'm not gonna join a group for women who have been raped. But that's what happened. That's what i spent a year trying to fix. Trying to find some guy who could make it ok. But the truth is, there's no one on this planet that can make it ok. It's not possible. I can't expect the next guy that comes into my life is gonna "correct" the wrong that was done. Why put pressure like that on someone? Why do people think it takes someone else to fix them? One there's nothing wrong with you!! Something bad happened, yes, but its up to you to turn it into something good. Its up you to take it and own and control it. Or trust it WILL control you. We give too much of ourselves over to people who don't deserve or have earned anything we have. It's time to take back what was stolen. I refuse to let him have control over me. He took something away that I can't get back. But if I don't let go then I'm just fighting a losing fight. He's not even thinking twice about me now. I doubt he even remembers. So why even give him just one thought? I would go back and change it but at the same time I love my life now. And everyone that's apart of it. And I'm just scratching the surface of who i am, LOL! Til next time, peace and love!

Just some random thinking

2011-10-13T12:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't been on here in a while. Just got done reading my past posts, and deleting some. A lots changed since I last wrote. But then again some things are still the same. Sometimes we get so caught up in the now of things and wonder how we got to a certain point in our lives. So to be able to come back here and actually read what i was going through reminds me that I've come a long way. Reading this make me realize how unhappy i was. How frustrated i was with life. Now I'm all smiles and ready for something new to happen. It wasn't easy getting here but I'm here now. I think one of the hardest things I've gone through is learning to let go. I almost got engaged this year. Now that i think about it that would have been the wrong move. I'm so not ready for that. But after the breakup it was hard to let that dream go. I'm not the type of girl that use to dream of her wedding as a kid. But when I actually thought it was going to happen I started buying and watching everything that had to do with weddings. I was ready for it or at least i thought so. Then all the sudden it was ripped away from me. Now i know everyone has gone through this. Its that stage in life where we feel lost and wonder what are we suppose to be doing. I went through it after high school, and now I'm going through it again. But I'm figuring it out. I'm not completely lost anymore. And now i don't feel so alone. I've got amazing friends and an awesome family. I may not know where I'm going exactly but i know where I've been. So the future has to be better!

Melancholy kinda day!!!

2009-11-24T14:54:00.001-08:00

So as most of you know me and the family have left our comfort zone and are embarking on a new journey full of strange yet exciting territory. I haven't really struggled with leaving friends behind and have been enjoying going to new churches. But today as I got on Facebook as usual something felt different. I had this sudden rush of sadness and felt the need to cry. And i don't think it had anything to do with postpartum depression(which i do still struggle with). It was the fact that I see these people I call my best friends yet I don't feel as though we are anymore. This is when i realized that our paths in life are finally going in different directions. But i don't understand how you move on. How can you let go of friendships that were so strong but have some what diminished into acquaintances? If we were honest with each other we would know that no matter what we love each other and if needed would be there for each other, but reality is we're not close. We haven't been for some time now. For me it started about two years ago which is probably why I've gone through so much. I was trying to find friendships and love and acceptance from people who weren't right for me. But at the time i would have settled for it because they made it seem real. It didn't feel fake until it was time to move on. Does that mean i'm saying my real friends were bad pretenders? NO, not at all. I believe they saw and knew what was happening. They could look into my eyes and tell I was going through a very dark time. But no one would say it to my face. I knew they knew but they just would say anything. Kinda makes you mad doesn't because it sounds like I'm upset up about it or something. But really at the time i would have lied to you and said everything was fine. Shoot I'll tell you that today! So bring all this up? Why talk about something that really has no worth, no point? It's just because i feel more alone now then ever. So I'm writing this to remind myself I'm not alone. Because i know those of you who read this will probably write me and tell me you love me. Or tell me how you feel the same way. This is just my way of removing the numbness! To remind myself I'm alive! Just giving myself a hug i guess...LOL!!! So thank to whoever reads this and if you think I'm stupid o well! Live my life then come talk to me! Until then peace, love and all that good stuff!

12 days of Miles :-)

2009-06-25T16:44:00.000-07:00

Ok yeah not really but i do have only 12 days until Miles due date!!! I'm super excited!!! I wish he'd hurry up and get here!! I'm tired of waiting!!! :-)

Jaylin Miles!!

2009-05-24T18:36:00.000-07:00

Only 44 days left until Miles' due date. The excitement is building with every day that passes. But then there's this under tone of fear. Wondering if i'll be ok during the birthing process, will he be small or big, did i do everything right? Tons of things are running through my mind. But i know it'll all be fine!! It's in God's hands and he's never let me down before. So i don't believe He would choose now to not protect me. He's been so faithful in every way. And he's still being faithful. I have a huge feeling that everything i've ever wanted is about to come my way. Maybe not all at once or even this year but it's all coming!! And if i'm wrong it'll be ok because it'll happen one way or another. Life is an amazing thing and i can't wait to watch my little boy live his!!

Baby Update!!

2009-05-06T16:39:00.000-07:00

So i'm now 31 weeks, which means next week i'll be 8 months!!! I love feeling him kick!!! Though at times i want to kick back...lol!! I'm still amazed at how women do this. I'm so scared to actually give birth. I joke with people and pretend to not really care. But reality is, I'm terrified!! I don't know how i'm gonna do it. I want to give birth naturally but a c-section sounds super awesome..lol!! And i really don't have time to think about it. I wish someone else could do it for me :-)! Oh, and not to mention i'm having fake contractions. So i know i'll be crying when those start to be real. But really all i can think about is Jaylin! I hope he knows how much i love him. I wish i could see his little face and kiss it!! Hold his hand and tickle his toes!! I want to hold my baby so much!! Even though i'll get sick and tired of it i want to hear his crying. You think you know what love is until you have a baby. I'm telling you I'm not the same person. My outlook has changed so much. Being an aunt is cool and trust it has it perks but being a mommy...that's different. I can't even describe it and i won't try. Anyways that's it for now!! Laterz

Baby Pt 2

2008-12-07T12:57:00.000-08:00

So i have a doctors appointment on the 22nd of this month!! For the past 4 days its been non stop throwing up!! I can't stand it! I really want it all to be over with!! It better be worth it in the end...lol!! Anyways till next time!!

Baby pt 1

2008-11-14T10:13:00.000-08:00

So a month ago i found out i was pregnant!! For those who knew it was no surprise i was shocked and scared. But through the past month I've been bleeding and having sharp pains in my lower back and stomach. I've heard from several people it might be a miscarriage. I feel so sick. I want to throw up but can't. I just wish i knew what was wrong. I need to go to the doctor but its hard when all your rides have their own agendas. If you're reading this pray that its something else. Pray that the baby is ok and I'm just having some complications. Pray God heals my body and protects my baby!! I know he can and will if its not too late. I know it will all be alright. Just pray for me!! Thanks!!

Future

2008-09-16T14:43:00.000-07:00

So i was sitting about to fall asleep when all the sudden my nephew runs in the room and starts asking questions. I wouldn't admit this to my family becuz as far as they know i don't want kids. But i look at him and it stirs something in me. Its like i wish i had a child of my own. Yes it'd be hard at first and then harder later on and then just completely difficult beyond that. But its when one of my nieces or nephews runs up and hugs and kisses me on the cheek that i realize i would love to be a mom. I look at a child and say i made that happen. That's my blood. My child will know that i love them no matter what. I pray that my children won't make the same mistakes i made. I would never want anyone to. I just pray that they will know that their mother loved them enough to give them life, hope and love. I'll guide them as best i can. I pray i have a strong man in my life for my boys. A man that makes them feel safe and loved but fearless and strong. I want my girls to be able to talk to me about anything. But one thing my kids will know above all is that their parents love each so deeply and that they will stay a family no matter what. I'm not a friend until they start taking care of themselves in every which way. Listen to me talking like i got kids...lol!! I wish. Its just something that was on my mind. I can't really have kids with having a man first, huh? lol!! O well. I know it'll happen for me one day. And that one day is worth the wait!!

Thank you!!

2008-09-04T12:29:00.001-07:00

For a year now i've learned a lot. but theres one person in particular who has taught me the most i think. I met him at the end of august last year and the one thing i really liked about this guy was that he actually talked to me. He didn't call me shorty and ask me dumb question. He's more mature than that. He was such a gentleman and ladies you know that thats rare now-a-days. We would talk for what seemed like hours. And i rememeber when he first called me...lol...that was for hours!!! We talked about anything and everything. Soon it felt like i had known him longer then what reality was saying. It was as if he had been in my life for forever. He became one of my best friends. And i know you're thinking girls and guys can't be best friends. Yea we can!!! But Soon time went on and i met him for the first time face to face. Y'all i was so scared!!! I don't think i've ever been that nervous...lol!!! for the first time i didn't know what to say to him. Heres the guy i have been talkin to for the past four months and i can't say a word now!!! haha!!! But soon the nerves died down and we went for a walk. It was awesome to actually be with him and to hear and see him talk. Seeing the reaction and being able to see his smile. It was great!!! Then we went out on an actual date!!! It was so much fun!!! We went and saw what is now my favorite movie, I AM LEGEND!! It was so sweet becuz he comforted me through the not so scary parts that were actually scary to me but one thing from the movie that i will remember most is how excited he got from seeing the preview for the new Batman movie!!! I think it was the cutest thing ever!!!! I've never seen a guy act like that before...lol!!! After the movie we went to IHOP!!! It was fun to just sit and talk and really get to know the guy on the other side of the computer...lol!!! He asked if i was ready to go home and i said no. So we went downtown and this is where the date takes the icing. I made him park i'd say five blocks from the new bridge. It was freezing that night..lol!!! Guess what??? There were no cars anywhere...lol!!! Meaning we could have parked right beside the bridge. But we walked the five blocks anyways. Basically other then it being the coolest night ever and having to walk in it. It was a great date. We talked, we laughed, and we were actually there with each other. It wasn't a cyberdate...lol...it was a real one. I got to be with this guy who i respect and love and admire so much. He does what few will stand up and do. He lives everyday for our country. For you to have the rights and freedoms you have men and women like him fight. Anyone who has the strenght and will to say I'll go, I'll serve, I'll sacrifice, I'll risk, I'll strive, I'll die...thats my hero. Thats a person i want in my life becuz you know they'll never quit, fail, or leave you. They don't know how. Its not in them. So I just want to say thank you!!!! Thank you for not quiting, failing or leaving us to our own fate!!! Thank you for standing against all odds and saying no to those who would see us ruined. Thank you for loving us even when we don't deserve it. Thank you for being who you are. I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you soliders!!! Can't wait for you all to be home!!!!!!

Love

2008-09-04T11:43:00.000-07:00

Why do we love? Whats the point? In the end people leave. For some unknown reasons and some stupid reasons. Does that mean we should not love again. Or should we learn from it and try again. If it happens more then once does that mean theres something wrong with you or the person that left? Flip it, if your in love with someone and they love you back why leave in the first place? Why don't people stay together if they are in love? Why do people fall out of love? Why do we not see the people who truly love us and beg for love from people who don't see us? Why is love so hard to find?

Have you noticed the last two questions? One answers the other. Love is hard because we try to love things that don't love us. My favorite quote ever goes, "if someone walks out of your life, let them go." In the end they gonna see what they had but it'll be too late. Thats why i love this video. Think about the people in your life. Why are they there? You'll be amazed at what people will go through just to have someone say they love them. Its amazes me at what i've done to hear someone say it. Just check it out... http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=3641694

Damaged people are dangerous becuz they know they can survive

2008-09-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

If you could go back and change something that happened in your life or in the life of someone you love would you?

So many times i've thought about this question and right now i would say yes!! I would go back and change several things actually. If i could i would go back and tell myself its ok to be different. That i didn't have to do what everyone else was doing. I would stop myself from making a lot of stupid decisions. I wouldn't have trusted, so easily, those that only hurt and left me in the end. I'd probably be happy and rich right now had i been smart. I wouldn't be questioning every persons motives when they want to be in my life. I wouldn't be so upset when someone wants to leave.

I have this serious problem of loving and trusting people too much. I think that when they say i love you they mean just as much as i do. Because i promise if they could feel the love i have for some of them they wouldn't leave or hurt me. They would be honest and true to me. When i tell someone i love them i mean it with every fiber of my being. I've never not pushed someone out of my life becuz no matter how many times they screw up i'll be that one person to stand beside them and pick them up.

I wish it was easy. But a life that is easy isn't worth living. Without struggle or pain you wouldn't know how strong you really are. Its like when you work out. Though your muscles hurt and you want to give up the more you do it the bigger and stronger your muscles will get. Thats why the Heart is the core muscle in your body. Without it you can't live. Yes it gets wounded, bruised, and sometimes it may break. But that only means that it will get stronger and bigger in the end.

So whats my point? My point is yes we regret our past sometimes and wish we could change it, but look at where you are right now. You're still standing, breathing. When they tried to knock you down or made you think you weren't worth anything. Look at you!!! Scream, jump, run around, laugh, live becuz you survived!! Listen, your heart its beating!! Enjoy your life becuz you deserve it!!

Just one moment..

2008-08-20T10:15:00.000-07:00

I love going to the mountains. I remember the first time i went. Its almost as though you feel like you have to be silent and when you realize you're having that feeling it makes you want to yell at the top of you lungs!! I know for me its a perfect time to think about life. Its where i go to be closer to God other then going to church! I love to just sit and listen, but i've never heard him speak yet. Sometimes i think He'd rather have it that way. I know he's there with me. Maybe just wants me to sit in his presence. Leaving the noise of the world below and listen to his voice through nature. Go up to the mountains sometime. I promise there's something there you can't hear here! And its something that God wants you to hear! Cuz its a gift he's giving you!! Just go to be close to him!! You won't regret it!

True friends

2008-08-20T10:01:00.000-07:00

Its a typical thing to have people come in and out of your life. But you always have those certain people who, no matter how long you've been apart, you can easily pick up where you left off. For example...there's this girl i've known for almost 8 years now. Some stuff went down with her and we lost contact for about 3 of those years. About 4 or 5 months ago we found each other on myspace and started talking and caught each other up in our own lives. In the end it was like nothing had changed. We were still dorks for loved to laugh and joke around. We had been there for each other through so much that nothing could change our friendship. She's like my sister. Closer actually. I know i can always call her and she knows she can do the same with me. Thats what a true friendship is i think. Having a bond with someone that can't be broken or forgotten no matter what happens. Now she's an amazing mom and wife. She's got two beautiful kids and her husband is awesome. He's like a brother to me!! I hope she knows how thankful i am to have her in my life. I love her to death!! She rocs my socs...lol!!!